Voicemail Unsent

Hi There,

Sorry I don't mean to be a bother, not sure if you got my other voicemails. I've been trying to reach you.......Is this your number still? Anyway, I need to get some things off my chest. If it gets to you, I hope it does and if it does not, the words I have to say maybe were not meant to be said but I hope these are the last of them.

I'm glad you had closure and got things off your chest you deserve to live a fulfilling life. I hope your life is successful and filled with love, I hope you get that truly because you deserve that. I have never wanted anything more for you...only the best.

Here's the thing, this hit me hard. I myself had to sit with why I was sad and angry, why and how I could break apart for someone who has not been in my life for years, so I am going to be fully transparent, honest and upfront with you and after this we never have to engage or converse ever again. You game me silence for years and said your piece so here is what I have to say.

Yes, you've moved on, as have I. I have let go of any hope that we could be a thing and that you might still love me after all these years. A small part of me really did want you to when you last reached out because I was still deep down in love with you, but that was naive of me to think that the feeling would be mutual. The thing is, yes I fucked up initially which led to our breakup and I understand you wanting to distance. You were hurt and this was how you protected yourself. But you ghosted me, without a word you left me to believe you hated me, that you didn't love me, that I was worthless and that I did not matter to you among other things. You made a permanent decision for us both, because you did not believe I could change for you. You treated me like shit without even talking to me. You knew I loved you and you still chose to stay away, I thought you hated me so I stayed away but only after I tried to talk to you time after time. I hurt you because I was selfish and childish but you punished us both permanently because yes, you were hurt and because you ultimately could. Out of the two of us, only one of us had a choice and knew how the other felt. You moved on because you made the decision to, I moved on because I knew nothing else to do but that because I only had silence as a response. The young me is hurt and angry, I am not dwelling on what could have been with us because that's long gone but I am allowed to feel how I feel. That doesn't mean that I'll stuck here forever and won't move on.

You were my best friend and I tried to be there for you because I wanted you in my life. I would always choose to have you in my life. That's the different between us. I would have chosen you over and over again, if you had just given us a chance. I will never forget that I had to convince you to give me/us a chance, but I did, that's how much you meant to me, that's how much I wanted you to be in my life. I fought for you and you knew I would have done anything to make it right. You could have given it a few years but we could tried, you robbed that for us both. I can grieve that loss. I broke your heart once, but you broke my heart over and over and proving yet again that I was never enough for you. I wasn't enough when we first met, when we first were together, I wasn't enough for you to tell me how you felt, not enough for you to reach out before you met someone else, not enough to tell me still 10 years later when you reached out, not enough that you wanted me in your life. That's the part that I think hurts the most, knowing that someone who says they were in love with you, chose again and again and again repeatedly to not have you in their life and be with you all these years. I actually regret opening the questions here and finding you again, I should have left it as it was. At least I was at peace believe that my decision is what cost me us, cost me having you in my life and accepting you hated me. Because that is easier than knowing the truth, which is that you chose for all those years to not talk to me, to be with me or in my life.

I ask that you do not offer to answer anything else either, I may take you up on it and open up more than I can grasp or accept....you didn't answer my question or what you needed to say to me before and you should not start now. I am capable of being able to process and handle things on my own. I have done many times before and I will continue to do it. You shattered my reality that I had accepted for all these years so yes, I won't be able to stop thinking about you at all, at least for a while until I can fully process everything which is just the part of my healing, but this is not something we need to go through together. You don't have to be in the same place I am; you already said that this doesn't change anything for you and it doesn't have to. Reminiscing of times we had only makes it harder to accept the reality that you chose to not be with me, and I am working on accepting that truth. I know I made a mistake and I have accepted that. You can accept I forgave you and that you are not a bad guy. We both got what we needed, I got the truth finally and you got to know I don't hate you or think you are bad. I don't want to waste any more of our time or as you said talk about the same thing over and over again. I've had more than my share of shit hands in my life and a broken heart is not foreign to me. You don't owe that to me and I don't need that from you, as kind as it is for you to offer, we simply don't know each other like that anymore. We cannot give anything to each other that we have not already.

This is what I needed to get off my heart and chest. The old part of needed to know this truth finally and needs/needed to feel all this pain to be able to fully release any morsel in my body holding on to a part of you and us. I wish you only love and happiness always in your life. You deserve to be loved down to your core I know you will find them someday.

Mahal Kita and I am sorry.

That